I’ve been feeling so gross about myself lately. I don’t feel sexy, I don’t feel feminine, I don’t know what to do. my boyfriend says he’s still attracted to me… but i know he just doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I feel like I’m pale and fat and disgusting so I kind of can’t blame him for being turned off by me. I wonder if i’ll ever be able to satisfy someone or if i’m destined to be alone and lonely forever.
all i want is to find my Jim Halpert…
but i seem to be closer to Angela and her gay senator husband. womp womp.
i have no family or friends, really. just him and his family/friends. obviously I can’t talk about this to any of them. the worst part is when we are “having problems” I have to make up new things to tell people to hide the real issue. usually it comes down to me making up something about myself, and his family/friends think I’m the biggest crazy bitch on earth. (they have no idea how I could ever be dissatisfied with their golden boy!) It would be so relieving to be able to cry with someone and tell them EVERYTHING. I always cry alone. I try and read as many forums and “straight spouse outreach” help I can find on the internet, but it’s still not the same as being able to really talk with someone who understands. but.. most people *don’t* understand, which is a problem for them. I don’t even care if someone understands at this point, I’d just love someone to listen.
this is affecting every aspect of my life. I don’t even like to go into public with him anymore, I hate it so much. every guy (especially the older salt & pepper types, since I found out about his daddy fetish) becomes someone I despise. strangers, men I don’t even know, I’m hating for no reason. If I see him looking at them my stomach turns and I immediately have an excuse to leave the store or go to another aisle. I suspect every male worker at the grocery store or liquor store to be a man he’s met up with behind my back. it’s an awful feeling.
if you’ve ever seen brokeback mountain, it doesn’t even begin to show the pain the women in the situation feel. knowing in the back of your mind that he’d rather be with a man is the worst thought to have during sex. you don’t feel sexy anymore. you feel like your body is repulsive. he never touches anything, never looks at my breasts. usually his eyes are closed tight, as I’m guessing he needs plenty of focus and concentration to be able to have sex with something like me. he says he doesn’t want men, that I turn him on and I’m all he needs… it sure doesn’t feel that way. (i mean, i have no doubt he *wants* to be with women, but only because that’s what “society” tells him he should want.) I know the orgasms he has with men far exceed the forced orgasms he has with me. i feel like I’ll never be confident with a man again. in the back of my mind I’ll always be thinking, “I bet he really wishes he was fucking a man right now and not me” or “he probably wants to be the one getting fucked right now and certainly not by me”… I feel like I can’t enjoy or make noises during sex, or give him a blowjob, because he’s just going to try and copy what I do but with his next male partner. isn’t that fucked up? not that I’m the best by any means, but I have a whole new sense of feeling self-conscious. I still have a sex drive, I still want to have sex alot! when I start feeling horny, though, i know that in the same situation he would rather cum with a guy than with me. it makes me want to have sex with someone else really badly sometimes. but how would I know if that guy was secretly a gay, too? ugh its so frustrating. I’m starting to really believe there are zero straight men in this world.
I’m afraid I’ll never know what it feels like to have sex with a man who desires women. after I found out about my boyfriend, I started to question every man’s sexuality I encountered. I started to look deeper at clues about their personality and how they interacted with other men in my presence. honestly, I felt like all of my boyfriend’s friends were secretly gay, too. (I also know that none of them are open enough to their girlfriends to EVER discuss the subject, which made me question them more.) I knew one of them had “struggled in the past” (as my boyfriend put it) with his gay desires, but he is now married with a drinking problem so I guess you can see how much effort he put into confronting those gay urges. I don’t necessarily think it’s a regional thing, but where I live, it seems people prefer to hide/bury problems than to bring them to light and deal with them. even if I were to privately help my boyfriend become secure in his sexuality, everyone he knows is so repressed that he would be too afraid to totally come out of the closet. I have always had gay friends (men and women) but he and his group of friends have never had anyone gay in their circle. (well, except for secret gays!) now that my eyes have been opened to my boyfriends own secretive behavior, I hate that my eyes are open to other men’s behavior that their girlfriends or wives don’t notice. I feel like so many people thought that way about me and my relationship but never said anything. I wish they would’ve!
click the link for an article by a woman who married a gay man. her story brought me to tears.
but when you realize your boyfriend might be gay or bisexual, it makes you feel like the biggest idiot in the world. not only has the trust you built with someone been broken, but the fact they couldn’t share a part of themselves with you makes you feel even more disgusting. why didn’t he ever talk to me about his desires? why didn’t he trust me? for myself, I never knew how serious things were until I found his profile on a gay sex site, along with emails to men (one man in particular, whom he referred to as “Daddy”, which is a whole other story). also for me, I knew he had experimented with men in the past, but never knew he continued a sexual life with men via the internet. when I came across the secret screen name he left signed in to the computer one evening, my life changed. I was by no means snooping when I stumbled across his conversations, and I think that’s what shook me the most. I wasn’t even expecting it! in one instant, my entire life shifted to a new focus. “what do I do now?”